How we look after each other
You arrive at a modopup night. There are people on the floor, someone puts on a mask, another is arranging the mats. You see a handler with a bottle of water in their hand. You are not sure how to greet, how to ask, how to say no. This dossier is for that moment: for when you have to decide whether to offer your hand or not.
- Before you touch
- How to say no
- How to hear a no
- The handler in the room
- When someone does not listen
- Alcohol and you
- Photos and your phone
- If you get it wrong
- Walking out without a reason
- If you arrive alone
- The hard lines
Before you touch
It makes no difference how many times you have seen someone at the space. It makes no difference whether they look friendly, whether their gear is nice or whether they have played with others before. Before you touch, you ask.
The question does not have to be long. "Do you like having your ears scratched?" "Do you want to play with the ball?" "Can I stroke your back?" Concrete works. "Are you all right?" is useful, but sometimes it is not enough. Some pups in role do not talk much and answer with movement. So you watch before you act.
If a pup comes close, looks at you and waits, they probably want to play. If they move away, do not follow. If they stay still, ask them with your eyes. And if you are not sure, step out of role for a second and ask in words. That does not break the mood. What breaks the mood is touching without knowing.
You also have to read the context. In a mosh, contact is freer, but it is not free of charge. At a film or a barbecue the distance is bigger. The same gesture can be fine in one place and not in another. Look at the format before you decide how to get close.
How to say no
Saying no is part of the play from the first minute. You do not need a nice reason. You do not need to sound friendly. A clear "no" is worth more than a "maybe" that invites someone to push.
You can say it with words: "I do not like it", "I would rather not", "stop". You can say it with your body: stepping away, turning around, sitting to one side. You can say it with your eyes: looking away, looking at something else. Someone who knows the space reads those signals.
If the other person insists, repeat the no. If they carry on, find a handler. You do not have to sort it out on your own. The space is built so that a no gets respected, and if someone does not respect it, that is their problem, not yours.
You can also say no before any of it starts. "I do not want to play tonight." "I would rather watch tonight." "No touching tonight." That is valid. You do not have to be available all night.
How to hear a no
Hearing a no matters as much as saying one. When someone says no to you, stop. You do not negotiate. You do not ask "why?". You do not say "but it costs me nothing". The no is enough.
Sometimes a no does not come with words. It comes with a body that tenses, a head that turns away, a pup who stops playing and sits down in a corner. Learning to read those signals takes time. While you are still learning, it is better to stop than to carry on.
If someone corrects you, listen. It is not an attack. It is information. "I do not like you holding my leash" is not an accusation. It is somebody showing you a boundary. Take it in silence and adjust.
A good handler listens too. If a handler tells you to stop, stop. Do not argue with their judgement in the moment. If afterwards you think they got it wrong, raise it in private. But in the moment the priority is that the other person feels safe.
The handler in the room
The handler is on your side when you do not know what to do. If you want to play with someone and you are not sure how to ask, ask the handler. If someone is touching you and you do not know how to stop it, go to the handler. If you see that someone else looks uncomfortable, tell the handler.
Do not wait for the handler to notice. Sometimes they are paying attention to something else. Sometimes they did not see what you saw. Raising a hand and saying "could you come over?" is not drama. It is looking after.
The handler is not perfect. They can also get tired, get distracted or get it wrong. If a handler does not listen to you, go to the person responsible for the event. If they do not listen either, you have the right to leave. But in most cases the handler is there to help.
You can look after things too. Telling someone to stop, moving away from a play you do not like, telling a handler that someone looks uncomfortable: all of that counts. The space does not depend on one person.
When someone does not listen
It happens sometimes. Someone touches without asking, carries on after a no, or uses the role to get close to someone who does not want it. When that happens, you have options.
In the moment you can say "no" loudly. You can walk away from the play. You can find the handler or the responsible person. You can stay near people who make you feel safe. You do not have to stay in a place where you feel bad.
After the event you can write on WhatsApp. Tell what happened as clearly as you can. It does not have to be a perfect text. It only has to be clear what happened, who was involved and how you felt. That gets looked into and acted on.
If the situation was serious, the person leaves the event and does not come back. There is no second chance for somebody who ignores consent. It is not revenge. It is the only way to keep the space safe for everyone.
Do not stay quiet out of embarrassment. Do not assume you are overreacting. If something made you feel bad, it deserves to be heard. The space works because people speak up when something goes wrong.
Alcohol and you
If you are going to drink, do it after playing or at the BBQ. Do not come into the mosh after drinking. Your body can react differently, your ability to decide gets clouded and your ability to read signals drops. That is not about you being a bad person. Alcohol and consent do not go together.
If you are a handler, the rule is stricter. You cannot look after others with your perception affected. A bottle of water in your hand is fine. A beer is not.
If you see someone who has been drinking and wants to play, tell them no. Not aggressively. "Not tonight, better watch for a while" is enough. If they insist, call the handler. If the handler does not step in, call the responsible person.
Also be careful about accepting touch if you have been drinking. You can say things you would not say sober. If you feel your head is not clear, leave the mosh, drink some water and wait. The play can wait.
Photos and your phone
Leave your phone away from the play. Do not take photos without asking. Do not take selfies with others without asking everyone who would be in them. Do not put anything on social media without written consent.
If you want a photo, ask every person who would appear. If someone says no, that person is not in it. End of story. If somebody ends up in the background by accident, delete the photo or crop them out. Never publish a face without permission.
That includes Instagram stories, private photos, messages with images. The space is private. What happens inside does not travel outside without everyone involved agreeing.
If you see someone taking photos without permission, tell them to stop. If they do not, tell a handler. Privacy is not a detail. It is what lets people let go.
If you get it wrong
At some point you will make a mistake. You will touch without asking, you will push after a no without noticing, you will cross a line you did not see. That does not make you a bad person. It means you are learning.
What matters is what you do afterwards. If someone says "I did not like that", stop and listen. Do not defend yourself. Do not explain why it was not a big deal. Say "sorry, I did not notice, it will not happen again". And keep that.
If you notice on your own that you went too far, go over and say something. "I think I touched too much. Are you all right?" That opens the conversation. Sometimes the other person did not even notice. Sometimes they did, and your question gives them room to say so.
If the mistake was serious, do not wait to be told. Step away from the play, get some air and think about whether you need to talk to that person or to whoever organizes. Ignoring your own mistake is worse than making it.
Good pup play shows in people who correct themselves when they get it wrong. Having nobody get it wrong is not the sign.
Walking out without a reason
Not every night is for you. You may arrive and feel that the vibe is not yours. Something may bother you. Or you may simply have had a day when you do not want to play. It is fine to leave.
You do not have to say goodbye to everyone. You do not have to explain. You pick up your things, say hi if you want and that is it. If someone asks, an "I am off" is enough.
Leaving is not failing. Good pup play does not demand that you stay. It demands that you feel all right. If you are not feeling all right, the space failed you, not you the space.
You can also leave and come back. A lot of people need one or two nights to work out whether they like it. You do not have to decide it all at once. The door stays open.
If you arrive alone
Nothing bad happens if you arrive alone. In fact a lot of people arrive that way. The space is not a club of lifelong friends. It is a place where everyone comes on their own and chooses who to play with.
At first everything can feel fast. There are bodies on the floor, masks, noise. You do not know who to ask or where to sit. That is normal. Start by sitting at the edge, getting some water and watching for a while. You do not have to play on your first night. You do not have to impress anyone.
If you want to talk to someone, go to the responsible person or to a handler. Tell them it is your first time and that you want to understand how it works. They are not going to treat you as a problem. All of us go through that. Some of us have been coming for years and still sometimes arrive alone.
Do not wait for somebody to invite you. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not. That does not mean you do not fit in. It means people are busy with their play. You can sit nearby, watch and wait for something to come your way. Or you can go over and ask whether you can play with a ball or with a pup who is sitting still.
The golden rule for arriving alone is the same one as for everyone: ask before you touch, say no when you do not want it and go when you are not feeling good. With that you are already doing everything right. Arriving alone costs nothing. It is the most common way to start. You do not need to know anybody beforehand to have a good time. And if at some point you feel that nobody sees you, go to a handler: they are there so you are not alone on a new night.
The hard lines
Some rules are not discussed. They make no difference what the format is, what the mood of the night is or who is organizing.
All contact needs a clear yes. Silence is not a yes. A maybe is not a yes. A yes under pressure is not a yes. If somebody changes their mind in the middle of the play, the play stops.
Only adults over the age of consent come in. There are no exceptions, no personal trust and no "nearly".
No recognisable face is published without written consent. Whoever does not want to be in photos is not in photos. If you appeared by accident, ask for it to be deleted and it gets deleted.
Alcohol and play do not mix. If you drank, do not play. If you are a handler, even less.
These rules are not flexible. They are the floor. Without them, there is no space.